Sabbath

Sabbath is taking a day a week to remind myself that I did not make the world and that it will continue to exist without my efforts.

Sabbath is a day when my work is done, even if it isn’t.

Sabbath is a day when I am fully available to myself and those I love most. 

Sabbath is a day when I remember that when God made the world, He saw that it was good.

Sabbath is a day when I produce nothing. 

Sabbath is a day when I remind myself that I am not a machine. 

Sabbath is a day when my phone is turned off, I don’t check my email, and you can’t get ahold of me.

Jesus wants to heal our souls, wants to give us the shalom of God. And so we have to stop. We have to slow down. We have to sit still and stare out the window and let the engine come to an idle. (Rob Bell, Velvet Elvis)

I need this rest in my life. I need to take those times to just stop, and breathe, and not think at a million miles an hour, but let God speak. I fill my life so full, most of the time with things that are good. But sometimes I just have to think…the things I’m trying to do with my life are great, but what does it matter if I’m not leaving the time to hear God speak into my life? Am I trying to do it all to earn something, to get somewhere? Because all that I need to heal my soul God wants to give me, just because I’m His, not because of all the things I’ve accomplished on my own. 

I’m going to try to implement a sabbath in my week. And not just the usual Sunday morning church & lunch and then thats it. I’m going to force myself to stop and listen to my Maker, and just be His. 

Friends...

…are overrated. Or so is the conclusion that I had arrived at a little while ago.

No, I don’t hold this view anymore. I have been blessed with some of the most amazing friends I could have ever asked for. In fact, when I come home I feel like I don’t even have enough time to see all of them. And there lies the problem. Yes, I have friends up in Seattle, I have a few wonderful friends. But the majority of my friends are scattered all over the place. Only during large holidays are we all in one place and able to reconnect.

I know that it life. You have friends who come and go. But thats the problem. It’s not that friends come and go, it’s that the friendships with them are in and out. Distance is hard. We all stay so busy. It’s hard to nurture the friendships I want to be able to nurture. I feel like most of the time I know the people I want to invest in so badly, but don’t do a good job at investing until I’m in the moment, in their presence. When I spend so much of my time apart from the people I care about the most, it makes things hard.

But, no matter what happens in life during the time that has passed, I still have these amazing people to connect with when we all return to our hometown. I value that so much. I’m blessed. And I love having these people in my life.

Empty

I feel empty.

Completely aware of the gaping void in my soul.

The void that can only be filled by God.

The hole had been covered over by different things in my life, things that only masked the need for something to fill it all the way to the deep.

But now, it’s there. Fully open and I’m once again aware of the pressing need to let myself be filled.

I desperately need to be filled by God, before different things in my life come and hide the urgency of the matter, again.

Lord, I’m tired of this emptiness in my soul. Please come fill me. Completely. Don’t allow me to let other things mask my intense need for you.

The end.....kinda

So I'm thinking I'm not going to be using this blog as much anymore. I transferred things over to wordpress and am going to give that a shot. So I will be mainly using my wordpress and tumblr from now on. Sp for those of you who care to still follow me:

followingafterfaith.wordpress.com
lifeinthismoment.tumblr.com

Sigh.....

Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.

Freud

I'm tired...

Tired of watching people I love hurt
Tired of seeing people I love in pain
Tired of living life in an environment of anxiety and frustration
Tired of living in fear of the future
Tired of living moment to moment not even knowing what the next minute could bring

Lord, please come soon
But while you still tarry, please give me the strength to hold on for five more minutes at a time
For You, because You are Worth it.

Most likely to....

• move to a foreign country while running from the law
• become a groupie
• marry a nerd
• save the world

Oh what my floor things of me.....
I'm going to miss these days.

The Bus is Coming

A wonderful reflection on life by one of the people who has taught me the most about life and hardship and faith, Eric Williamson.

There's a lot of really bad things going on these days:


- Many folks are either out of work, or facing the prospect of losing their job.
- Home foreclosures are on the rise.
- Debt, both personal and national, keeps piling up.
- The cost of just about everything is higher than it was just a few months ago.
- So many people I know are struggling with the loss of loved ones or through monstrous health issues.
- The government's role in all of this is of grave concern to many in the country.

Seriously, many people are facing stressors in their life that they've never had to face before; or even dreamed of having to face before. That has the added effect of putting more strain on relationships all over the place, and it wouldn't be a surprise if there's an uptick in divorce rates that matches all the recent crises.
I've been talking about this with a number of people recently and it's pretty clear that nearly everybody has some pretty serious worries about all the things going on around us. I figured y'all are no different, so I wanted to share something I was telling my mom on the way to work the other day.
She was expressing her concern over something - I think it was the latest proposal in D.C. from one of our illustrious leaders, and she was getting a bit worked up over it (that's where I get it, by the way!). So I told her what her situation was like -
Our situation is like when you're sitting at the bus stop, waiting for the bus to come along. While you're sitting there, a number of men saunter up and take up station a few yards away, talking to each other. They have dark clothes and sunglasses on, even though it's almost dark, and their hair is stringy and they have (gasp!) tattoos. They're amongst the most unsavory characters you've ever laid eyes on, and they keep glancing over at you. Feeling helpless and defenseless yet?
You take a peek up the street, but there's no sign of the bus. You glance back at the hoodlums, and they've edged a bit closer without seeming to. Are they going to beat you up? Maybe they're going to mug you and take your wallet. Or maybe they're even not afraid to kill you. You wonder when the bus is coming, but you can't see it up the street at all.
When I got to this point in the story, I paused. There was a painful silence on the phone, so I said "that's where you are right this minute, Mom!" Not to put too fine a point on it, but Mom basically said "Huh? What are you talking about?" (although she was much more polite about it than I would have been). So I said "Let me 'splain, Lucy". That's my best Ricky Ricardo imitation, by the way...
I explained to her that she (and you, and I) are sitting on the bus stop, and the unsavory things in life are edging closer and closer, and we have no idea what intentions they might have for us. For all we know, those guys could sidle up to us and stick a knife in our ribs, or hold us up, or pound us into little pieces; or they could come close and say "Pardon us, but can we tell you about the four spiritual laws?" for all I know - and we have no real control over any of it. But one thing we know for sure is this - the bus is coming. We may not be able to see it from here, and the more worried we get about the situation, the more late the bus seems to be; but it's coming. That's the one thing you can count on in this place - one of these days, the bus is gonna roll up to the curb, and the Driver is going to get out and help us on board, and pluck us right out of the midst of these dark and dreary circumstances we're in, and put us on the bus and take us where we want to go. He may come just in the nick of time, and save the day just before the bad guys leap; He may show up after the fists start flying and rescue us from taking a lot of punishment; or He might show up after the wallet is gone and the blood is seeping onto the sidewalk, and gently pick us up and get us on the bus; but the bus is coming.

So quit focusing on the gang on the corner. Turn your eyes up the street and keep a lookout for the bus, because it's coming.

The bus is coming.

Learning to wait

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

Ps. 27:13-14

I don't know what it looks like to wait for the Lord.
I don't even know what my relationship with Him looks like right now.
It's hard to wait, when the troubles seem so pressing and urgent.

But I want to know.
I want to learn to sit in peace while I wait for Him.
I want to learn to be content in His timing.

I want to exchange my anxious frustration for His peace and timing.
Lord, please help me. I don't even know where to start with this.

A Plead

"How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?


How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me."
(Psalm 13)


I need God to step in.
I need Him to say something.
I can't do this anymore, not on my own strength.
I need Him to make these decisions for me.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now.
But
I trust He'll take care of things.
I trust His plan will prevail.
I trust, because there isn't anything else for me to do.

The day of birth....

So, for some reason I always like I should spend some time to be reflective on my birthday. I should be looking over the past year and analyzing where I've come, what I've learned and how I've developed as a person. And then after that I should be looking to the next year. What do I want to accomplish? Where do I want to be in another year? What kind of person do I see myself as?

Well, these are all the things I feel like I should be reflecting upon as my birthday has come to a close. But I'm sorry to disappoint, but I won't be answering any of these questions. I don't feel like I'm at a point to where I can look back without too much hurt rising up. And it's too overwhelming at the moment to look forward. But what I have come to realize tonight is that's ok.

What matters is where I'm at right now. I want to be living one day at a time, walking in the companionship and will of God. Taking one step at a time, being proud of where I've been and waiting in patient anticipation for what is to come. So I'm going to take every day in this 20th year of my life to reevaluate my attitude and perspective, striving to have it align with my Father. I expect this next year to be filled with:

ANGER
FRUSTRATION
FRIENDSHIP
LOVE
TEARS
PEACE
LAUGHTER
EXCITEMENT
FEAR
DEPRESSION
LOSS
WONDER
HOPE

I expect to be pleading with God for understanding.

I expect to try to be the author of my life, and to utterly fail.

I expect to question so much that I’ll feel like I’ve lost myself in my questions.

BUT ALSO

I expect to be constantly caught by my Father’s secure arms.

I expect to be continually be blown away by this grace that is given to me exactly where I’m at.

I expect to continue to discover more and more about my true identity that is rooted in Christ.

Is it possible to be so excited while also being so afraid?

One day at a time.

 Hand in hand with my Savior.

As God reveals more of His story for my life.

Unilluminated

Don't you hate it when you think you have something all figured out and settled, and then turns out you're not even close?
I don't even know what to do with myself regarding this issue anymore.
I've tried to let it go so many times. I've even been pretty good with fooling myself into thinking I'd moved on.
And then sometime I realize things aren't going away, so then I start thinking...well maybe its there for a reason...you know...maybe something will come of it all at some point....
Not the most emotionally healthy thing to start thinking.
So not sure what to do with myself after all this time of nothing working.

Ha, could I even have been more vague for you? Probably not.

(Don't worry, it really is nothing at all. Not some bad or illegal anything at all.)

Just me and my emotional mess.

I really want to be able to say.....

Though dark my path, and sad my lot,

Let me “be still,” and murmur not,

Or breathe the prayer divinely taught,

Thy will be done!

If Thou shall call me to resign,

What most I prize, never was mine;

I only yield Thee what is Thine;

Thy will be done!

Renew my will from day to day

Blend it with Thine and take away

All that now makes it hard to say

Thy will be done!

Community

So I've decided that it's time for me to make my jump into "community." I know it may seem like I have been a part of and investing in a community for a while. But in reality, I've been holding back. That seems to just be part of my existance, holding back. I'm not sure how it started, or why I do it, but I can't seem to truly let go. I am always the listener, the one who helps others through their problems. But I don't ever like to share and open up. But I've realized that by holding back, I'm missing something greater. I'm missing out on true community. I haven't been fully investing. I want to. I finally have realized that things are not ok this way, and I want to do something different.
This doesn't mean that I'm going to start just opening up to everyone. But I do want to make an effort to start investing more in relationships with certain people. And I'm trying to remember that I can't fully invest without starting to open up.
I wish I knew where this habit of witholding things from people comes. But I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that its something I need to work through. Maybe I'll discuss this with my counselor... Wow, I can't believe I just said those words.
In chapel today we touched a little on the importance of community. I guess that's where my conviction came from. So we wrote a response to the short message. Here is mine:

God, I don't feel as if I have anyone I have truly invested in for a period of time. I don't know who it is I've been through everything with. I don't feel as if there is community in my life. And I can now see that it's mainly my fault. I've been pushing people away and haven't let anyone in for so long, that now they don't want in. And I'm not sure what to do. I want to stop holding on so tight and finally let go of myself. I want to invest in some sort of community. I just don't know what that will look like, or where to start. You'll have to help me.

This is going to be a process for me. A long process.... But I'm willing to work at it. And half the battle for me was just getting to that point.

Psalm of Lament

So here is my slightly sad attempt and being able to creatively express my emotions. I have discovered that if you have spent most of your life stuffing all your emotions, it really gets rather hard to let them clearly come out. Hmmm I may have to work on that... Blech.

But anyways, this psalm of lament was for a school project. A good step and starting to aknowledge and deal with emotions again I think...

God my heart feels broken
Things are crashing down
Relationships once thriving are broken
Frustration gathers all around

Do you see the hurting in my family?
Do you hear my cry out?

All the pain inside seems to swell
So that it becomes all I can see
And anger boils up inside when
Nothing ever changes but just continues to be

Step down and show Yourself Lord
Let me know You still hear

My mind tells me You care
All my knowledge of You screams Your control
But my heart still hurts Lord
And I ache in wonder of the future

Will You please Lord help heal these relationships?
And could You renew health as well?

But I remember how You have provided
And I live trusting that You will continue
I sing praise God for You have provided me
Salvation

But I still don’t hear You
And I still want to
So here I wait

National Human Trafficking Awareness Day

Human trafficking is a revolting, real issue. It isn’t only a global issue, but happens right here in our own home as well. It’s time to end all the talk and actually do something. We need to rise up against human trafficking and slavery.Watch out world because when I get out of school I’m going to shake things up.

This is who I want to work for.

http://vimeo.com/1315720

A Psalm of Life

Tell me not in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou are, to dust thou returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, - act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sand of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solenm main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us then be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Christmas

These words completely capture my emotions this Christmas season. Crazy story behind this poem/carol too.

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till, ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime,
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said:"
For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Coffee Dates

Don't you hate it when the people that you really desire to have a coffee date with are miles and miles away?

There are a few people in my life whom I would desire nothing more right now then to be with them. Sitting at one of those tables for two in the warm glow of a coffee shop. Oblivious to the comings and goings of other people, oblivious to the murmurs of conversations all around, oblivious to time, completely lost in conversation. And when you look in their eyes as you talk you can just feel that they truly care about and cherish you, like you do them. And in that moment it feels as though, with their encouragement and support, you could take on the world.

I miss coffee dates.

Law School

Really??

The first time this realization hit me I cried.

Yes really I did.

Oh the things in store for my future.

I just prefer not to think about it.

Law School.

Don't remind me.

At least I can drag Alyssa along with me now. ;) It makes everything better.