Learning to wait

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

Ps. 27:13-14

I don't know what it looks like to wait for the Lord.
I don't even know what my relationship with Him looks like right now.
It's hard to wait, when the troubles seem so pressing and urgent.

But I want to know.
I want to learn to sit in peace while I wait for Him.
I want to learn to be content in His timing.

I want to exchange my anxious frustration for His peace and timing.
Lord, please help me. I don't even know where to start with this.

A Plead

"How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?


How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

for he has been good to me."
(Psalm 13)


I need God to step in.
I need Him to say something.
I can't do this anymore, not on my own strength.
I need Him to make these decisions for me.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now.
But
I trust He'll take care of things.
I trust His plan will prevail.
I trust, because there isn't anything else for me to do.

The day of birth....

So, for some reason I always like I should spend some time to be reflective on my birthday. I should be looking over the past year and analyzing where I've come, what I've learned and how I've developed as a person. And then after that I should be looking to the next year. What do I want to accomplish? Where do I want to be in another year? What kind of person do I see myself as?

Well, these are all the things I feel like I should be reflecting upon as my birthday has come to a close. But I'm sorry to disappoint, but I won't be answering any of these questions. I don't feel like I'm at a point to where I can look back without too much hurt rising up. And it's too overwhelming at the moment to look forward. But what I have come to realize tonight is that's ok.

What matters is where I'm at right now. I want to be living one day at a time, walking in the companionship and will of God. Taking one step at a time, being proud of where I've been and waiting in patient anticipation for what is to come. So I'm going to take every day in this 20th year of my life to reevaluate my attitude and perspective, striving to have it align with my Father. I expect this next year to be filled with:

ANGER
FRUSTRATION
FRIENDSHIP
LOVE
TEARS
PEACE
LAUGHTER
EXCITEMENT
FEAR
DEPRESSION
LOSS
WONDER
HOPE

I expect to be pleading with God for understanding.

I expect to try to be the author of my life, and to utterly fail.

I expect to question so much that I’ll feel like I’ve lost myself in my questions.

BUT ALSO

I expect to be constantly caught by my Father’s secure arms.

I expect to be continually be blown away by this grace that is given to me exactly where I’m at.

I expect to continue to discover more and more about my true identity that is rooted in Christ.

Is it possible to be so excited while also being so afraid?

One day at a time.

 Hand in hand with my Savior.

As God reveals more of His story for my life.