Unilluminated

Don't you hate it when you think you have something all figured out and settled, and then turns out you're not even close?
I don't even know what to do with myself regarding this issue anymore.
I've tried to let it go so many times. I've even been pretty good with fooling myself into thinking I'd moved on.
And then sometime I realize things aren't going away, so then I start thinking...well maybe its there for a reason...you know...maybe something will come of it all at some point....
Not the most emotionally healthy thing to start thinking.
So not sure what to do with myself after all this time of nothing working.

Ha, could I even have been more vague for you? Probably not.

(Don't worry, it really is nothing at all. Not some bad or illegal anything at all.)

Just me and my emotional mess.

I really want to be able to say.....

Though dark my path, and sad my lot,

Let me “be still,” and murmur not,

Or breathe the prayer divinely taught,

Thy will be done!

If Thou shall call me to resign,

What most I prize, never was mine;

I only yield Thee what is Thine;

Thy will be done!

Renew my will from day to day

Blend it with Thine and take away

All that now makes it hard to say

Thy will be done!

Community

So I've decided that it's time for me to make my jump into "community." I know it may seem like I have been a part of and investing in a community for a while. But in reality, I've been holding back. That seems to just be part of my existance, holding back. I'm not sure how it started, or why I do it, but I can't seem to truly let go. I am always the listener, the one who helps others through their problems. But I don't ever like to share and open up. But I've realized that by holding back, I'm missing something greater. I'm missing out on true community. I haven't been fully investing. I want to. I finally have realized that things are not ok this way, and I want to do something different.
This doesn't mean that I'm going to start just opening up to everyone. But I do want to make an effort to start investing more in relationships with certain people. And I'm trying to remember that I can't fully invest without starting to open up.
I wish I knew where this habit of witholding things from people comes. But I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that its something I need to work through. Maybe I'll discuss this with my counselor... Wow, I can't believe I just said those words.
In chapel today we touched a little on the importance of community. I guess that's where my conviction came from. So we wrote a response to the short message. Here is mine:

God, I don't feel as if I have anyone I have truly invested in for a period of time. I don't know who it is I've been through everything with. I don't feel as if there is community in my life. And I can now see that it's mainly my fault. I've been pushing people away and haven't let anyone in for so long, that now they don't want in. And I'm not sure what to do. I want to stop holding on so tight and finally let go of myself. I want to invest in some sort of community. I just don't know what that will look like, or where to start. You'll have to help me.

This is going to be a process for me. A long process.... But I'm willing to work at it. And half the battle for me was just getting to that point.

Psalm of Lament

So here is my slightly sad attempt and being able to creatively express my emotions. I have discovered that if you have spent most of your life stuffing all your emotions, it really gets rather hard to let them clearly come out. Hmmm I may have to work on that... Blech.

But anyways, this psalm of lament was for a school project. A good step and starting to aknowledge and deal with emotions again I think...

God my heart feels broken
Things are crashing down
Relationships once thriving are broken
Frustration gathers all around

Do you see the hurting in my family?
Do you hear my cry out?

All the pain inside seems to swell
So that it becomes all I can see
And anger boils up inside when
Nothing ever changes but just continues to be

Step down and show Yourself Lord
Let me know You still hear

My mind tells me You care
All my knowledge of You screams Your control
But my heart still hurts Lord
And I ache in wonder of the future

Will You please Lord help heal these relationships?
And could You renew health as well?

But I remember how You have provided
And I live trusting that You will continue
I sing praise God for You have provided me
Salvation

But I still don’t hear You
And I still want to
So here I wait

National Human Trafficking Awareness Day

Human trafficking is a revolting, real issue. It isn’t only a global issue, but happens right here in our own home as well. It’s time to end all the talk and actually do something. We need to rise up against human trafficking and slavery.Watch out world because when I get out of school I’m going to shake things up.

This is who I want to work for.

http://vimeo.com/1315720

A Psalm of Life

Tell me not in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou are, to dust thou returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each tomorrow
Find us farther than today.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act, - act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sand of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solenm main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us then be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Christmas

These words completely capture my emotions this Christmas season. Crazy story behind this poem/carol too.

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till, ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime,
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said:"
For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!"